STORY — For burning down his house, a Story Inn tavern regular has earned the title of Village Idiot for 2019.
“Calamity Stan” Smith was tapped for the village’s only elected office on April Fool’s Day.
It’s actually not the first time he’s held the title. Smith also earned it in 2008 for setting up a jumbo kiddie pool on the deck he had built, not taking into account the weight of the water. The entire deck collapsed before the pool had filled to capacity.
Side note: Smith has an engineering degree from Purdue University.
For his most recent feat, Smith has a clothes dryer to thank. On Nov. 14, he started a load of laundry and drove off with his wife to a mall. They returned a few hours later to witness a blaze consuming their home. The local fire marshal quickly ascertained its cause: a clogged lint trap. “I guess I never cleaned it out,” said Smith, sheepishly.
The couple has been living in an apartment and plan to move back this month. “No pets were harmed in that incident,” he said. “However, our insurance company took a hit.”
Any Story Inn bar patron is eligible to vote for or be elected as “Idiot.”
In the Village Idiot contest’s 20-year history, never has an Idiot been reelected, said Rick Hofstetter, himself a former titleholder. He won in 2006 for, among other things, hitting himself on the forehead with a hammer while attempting to hang a birdhouse.
“Given our wealth of ‘Idiots,’ it was a statistical impossibility,” said Hofstetter, who teaches law at Indiana University. “We now have a full-blown constitutional crisis on our hands.”
Other “Idiot” nominees expressed their concern about the management of the election process.
“They need to keep the door open for new talent,” groused Francis “Pete” Wilkerson, a local contractor who started a brush fire at Story which briefly jumped the line into Brown County State Park.
Tavern regular Dean “Dino” Walls speculated that the nomination process itself might be rigged.
“Look at the facts. Stan’s house burned down. His deck collapsed a second time — this time with people on it — but, mysteriously, no one was injured. He was rear-ended twice. He slipped on the ice and got a concussion. All this happened just this past year. Do you really think there’s just ‘idiot’ going on here? Personally, I think there’s Russian collusion.”
“Bah, that’s just conspiracy theory nonsense,” chimed in bartender Ann Johnson, famous for making customers’ drinks “the way I like ‘em”. “But one thing I would say, next year’s ‘Idiot’ should be the person who sells Stan an insurance policy,” she added.
“Look, I say the ‘Idiot’ should go to the most qualified person, period,” said outgoing titleholder Brad Brookbank. “I’m happy to pass the torch to Stan.”
Brookbank took honors in 2018 for, among other things, losing a trailer full of fine wines on I-65 after hooking it up to the wrong-sized ball hitch.
Smith will receive a $100 bar tab in recognition of his accomplishments. He will hold the title of “Story Village Idiot” until March 31, 2020.
