To the editor:
I’m candidate Kubal, a Democrat running for president (not really).
I’m a stable genius but I don’t like to learn.
I will deny past election meddling even though its obvious to everyone that it occurred.
I will send my personal lawyer to Ukraine to encourage foreign adversaries to harm my political opponents in the next election.
Once elected, I promise to try my best to mislead the American people several times each day.
I promise to pay off porn stars and Playboy bunnies to hide my affairs.
I promise to break the emoluments clause of the constitution and try to use the office for the economic gain of myself and my family.
I promise to repeatedly put our country at risk by using unsecured forms of communication.
I promise to pardon criminals and human rights abusers, even in my first year of office.
I promise to appoint political cronies, and more importantly, I will appoint unqualified people that want to tear down the agencies they run.
I promise to gut the EPA and institute environmental policies that my own administration has admitted will cause thousands of deaths of American citizens.
I’m going to pass a massive tax cut and hand out billions of tax dollars to myself and other super-wealthy people like me.
I will cause an increase in deficit spending and a massive increase in debt.
My military budget will increase massively.
I will revamp nuclear weapon production, and nuclear watchdog groups will say we are in as much danger as anytime since the Cuban Missile Crisis.
I will increase taxes on the American people but tell them that tariffs are not taxes.
I will work tirelessly to remove Americans’ healthcare.
I will work to transform our public education system into private for-profit business.
I will hide all wrongdoing and tell my administration to stonewall congressional investigations that I can’t control.
I will appoint an Attorney General that swears that I can’t possibly be charged with a crime no matter what I do.
I will repeatedly fight petty fights with and alienate our allies around the world.
I will pretend peace is the equivalent of open markets.
I will make friends with anyone that will buy our military hardware regardless of whether that hardware is used to bomb civilian babies or commit other human rights abuses.
If anyone says anything remotely negative about me, I will fiercely attack them, both personally and publicly.
I will threaten to remove government funding to U.S. states that oppose my policies.
I will attempt to deny disaster relief for states that are perceived as political enemies.
I will motivate a massive increase in hate crimes, especially against Jews and immigrants.
I will malign the media by calling them the enemy of the people, work hard to eliminate free speech (except on the one station I like), and I will threaten and litigate against the media in ways that have never happened before.
I will take away basic human rights of immigrants. I will remove babies from their families and lock them away in cages.
I promise to endlessly pursue criminal charges against political opponents.
Would you support me?
Vote Kubal in 2020 (please don’t).
Denny Kubal, Brown County
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