Satire Alert: Channeling and appropriating the reverse-projective style of William Safire: 1) in tribute to the late New York Times columnist; 2) for possible reader nostalgia; and 3) because the situation calls for it.

Pundits and pols speculate that we Democrats might find a way to remove Joe Biden from presidential candidacy this coming year. They don’t know how right they are but, as usual, we are several steps ahead of them. The way we will arrange for this crypto-coup to play out is what is so clever and opaque to outsiders.

Too late for a serious primary challenge, they say? Immaterial. Not even in the ballpark, folks. That route is not close to how we’ll do this. No, the plan is, first, for Biden to remain in office through the Democrat National Convention, at which he will ostensibly accept the nomination. Then, maybe even during his (necessarily brief) “acceptance” speech, but probably days or weeks later, he will bow out, i.e., withdraw from candidacy for personal or health reasons. Shortly thereafter but pre-arranged, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) meets in faux emergency session to select its replacement presidential candidate, with the cover of super-delegate approval, of course.

The beauty of this ruse — we specialize in political hoaxes, don’t we? — is that it leaves the flat-footed Republicans with little reaction time. Through misdirection, we trick them into expending their competitive ammo on Joe Biden all along, with too-little time to attack the real nominee.

Why would Joe Biden go along with this? Abundant reasons, including his knowledge that we — the DNC/Obama clique which really runs your government — will resort to literally anything to get what we want. Explicitly, one Sword of Damocles we wield is the 25th Amendment’s incapacity threat, which Biden knows we can execute at will. Also, don’t forget, Biden himself will do almost anything for money, even sell out his country, demonstrably, so we have a carrot to go with the stick. Ultimately, you see, old Joe has little choice.

Now, who is our mystery nominee in place of Biden? Chosen already, to be sure, as you may have guessed. We can ease the very-willing Gavin Newsom into the candidacy role — if Michelle exercises her prerogative to change her mind. Yes, as of now, Michelle Obama may have agreed to run — largely because she knows millions of illegal Obama ’24 votes have recently been ushered in on foot through America’s southern border, to be registered via lax “motor voter” laws. Sure, Hillary Clinton and Liz Warren are also ready and willing, but we have our preferred nominee(s) lined up, two deep on the depth chart, ahead of them.

The lingering question (to some, not us): What about Kamala? Why isn’t it her turn? How can we be sure she will “get in line” and stay in her place, that is, out of the picture? Easy; of course we have that contingency settled. Here’s the plan for her:

We not only “coax” Joe Biden to withdraw from the nomination, but he also will resign the presidency very late in his term. Again, because he knows we can and will use the 25th Amendment if he would balk, he goes along with it. This is also the reward for Kamala to forgo actually running for the presidency. She gets to be in the history books as the first woman U.S. president ― albeit for a term of merely a few weeks (or days?). Yet this only happens for her if she goes along with the plan. If not, then not only does she not get to be president but she knows we will not even allow her to become the nominee (as if she ever had a chance at that prize). Specifically, in the unlikely event that Kamala Harris would resist, we simply modify the scheme to have Joe complete his term, thereby acing out a “President” Harris.

For good measure, our insurance is that Kamala also knows the implicit “we will do anything” threat and that “anything” really means anything with Democrats. (Recall how we deftly engineered Biden’s ultimate nomination in the South Carolina primary of 2020.) Expect Barack to be very persuasive with Kamala as well. Once again, a combo of sticks and carrots is how internal Democrat politics operates, mainly sticks, à la the old Soviet Politburo. Kamala’s cameo appearance at the national level is thus resolved efficiently. What if Joe expires while in office? In that case, only a slight variant of the original concept of an ultra-short-term President Harris ensues.

So, why not replace Joe sooner, like right now, on 25th Amendment grounds? Because we fear a longer-term President Harris would foul things up and damage the Democrat brand even more than a few more months of the enfeebled Biden. Yes, that is a gamble, and we are rooting for Joe to remain among the living at least briefly.

But then who is our ’24 vice presidential candidate? Kamala again? As temporary president in waiting or even president when the election occurs, she is not interested. Our biggest masterstroke of all, perhaps: Constitutionally, Barack himself is not eligible for election as president again, but that does not cover election to the VP job. He would simply be a VP who is disqualified from the line of succession, right? But wait. The Constitution’s (amended) language does not prohibit serving a third term through a presidential succession instead of election. Look it up. Maybe President Michelle would choose to resign! (Even without that, Barack as VP will assuage public concern over rookie Michelle or a failed governor in the top job. And with at least one Obama on the ticket, ideally two, any danger of a black voter pro-Kamala backlash is quelled.) Watch for it. Expect the unexpected. Not unexpected by us, though, because we have it all wired.

So, Repubs, keep enjoying the illusion that Biden’s problems are of value to you. We hold the cards and have some surprises planned. As mentioned, we will resort to anything. Stay tuned.

This is Bill Safire, from the great beyond, signing out …

The real author, John Gaski, Ph.D., an adunct scholar of the Indiana Policy Review, is a long-time registered Democrat and long-time registered Republican ― intermittently, not simultaneously or sequentially — which should dispel any impression of partisanship.